..And I really hope that the doctors have it right. We have to wait until Friday to get any information about what is going to happen with my father in-law. I’m amazed that they let people wait for 2 weeks before knowing anything!
Speaking of timing… I had a conversation with one of our family friends and Person asked how things are going so I told P about everything that’s going on and that Kev’s dad has just been diagnosed with cancer. Response? “Oh, that’s not good. But they aren’t that close, are they?”
-I haven’t told Kev. It wouldn’t do him any good. But I still feel like I should confront this person which I usually do if something of significance bothers me. This time I was so choked that I just started babbling and I still have no idea how to bring it up because every time I think about it I’m still not able to keep my cool. No wait, that’s a fucking huge understatement. I am unbelievably angry and most of all hurt on Kevin’s behalf. On our family’s behalf.
How would you go about this??
The thing about having a blog is that it kinda likes to be updated. The thing about my/our life these days is that I have a hard time keeping up with the updates myself.
Willow has been sick on and off for a period of time now and has just been diagnosed with asthma couple of weeks ago. I felt like shit the first few days and was amazed by how hard it hit me. No one want’s their baby to have a chronic illness to grow up with. Her mask really helps and as long as she doesn’t have attacks then we’re okay and just cross our fingers that she will eventually grow out of it.
Thursday we buried our good friend’s father (to cancer, he lasted 2-3 weeks) and later that day we received notice that Kev’s father had been admitted to the hospital. He has a very bad heart but luckily he “just” had to have his appendix removed and then the surgeons had to take a look at something that was in there next to the appendix. I wasn’t all that cool with him going into full anesthesia and having to rely on that heart of his though.. We visited him last night before the surgery.
So Kev just called me and said that his dad has awoken and that the surgery went well except fuck you, Universe, cause he still has his appendix but has cancer instead and has had removed part of his colon. I have no idea how bad it is but his father was pretty shaken up Kev said. He is being transmitted to an other hospital today.. Just on a side note; my mother in-law has battled cancer two times already so this is the last thing Kev needs.
These are just headlines and bables. I probably forgot half of what has happened and what I wanted to say but this is where my focus is right now. On the positive side I have stopped throwing up and we’ve been to the first ultra sound with the baby and everything looks great. My heart grows a million times its size when I think about it. 
We are also going on vacation to Egypt soon (depending on what happens with my father in-law). We need it!
I hope everyone is doing well out there. 
The vet just called to tell me that we can pick up Nico’s urn when we are ready.
I’m kind of a dude when it comes to my feelings. I have no problem keeping a straight face when I’m with other people. In fact, I don’t even have to make an effort. It’s no problem talking about things that hurt unbelievably because I automatically rationalize the given situation and maybe I even throw in a little psychoanalysis of myself and my emotions while I’m at it. OR I just workout or run until I puke. See? Easy.
It’s my way of coping and always has been. And if you try to get under my skin I will express very clearly that you are to back the fuck off. That’s why I write here. I sort of believe in all that bullshit about it being healthy to get it all out and that jazz. So it doesn’t bulk up, you know? But since I’m a jackass when it comes to actually showing my feelings to others and I completely block, I have to have an other outlet (Hi, fashion people!) and I’m hoping that writing to you helps me in some subconscious level (thanks for the spell check, Google) along with me feeling a comfort in that you might be able to relate in one way or the other. And hey, maybe then we can all stay relatively sane! Rainbows and unicorns for everyone!
And in the midst of all of this there is the fact that I have to be brave for Kevin (I’m always brave for everyone one else so I don’t have to take care of myself, of course. How clever I am!) since he lost his grandma the day after Nico died. Which again makes me feel guilty for putting Nico down on that day even though there is no way I could have known about the phone call we would get that same evening. I feel horrible about not having said goodbye to Grandma. I feel that I just let her die and that was that, even though I couldn’t chain Willow to the fridge and go with Kev. That’s the thing about me. I always feel irrational guilt. Doesn’t quite help to being able to move on.
But to be true I’m not very brave nor rational. I actually feel like my heart is being ripped apart over and over again. What I FEEL like is a worthless piece of shit that has no right to live since I just murdered my dog. Lured this innocent, goodhearted boy into the car and drove him straight to his death. And no matter how much of The Right Decision it was, I will never forgive myself for as long as I live.
My guilt and grief over Piña’s death last year has come right back, even though no one could have saved her. I also dealt with that really well. -I don’t really deal. I don’t give myself space or opportunity to cry or talk or whatever the fuck you’re supposed to do. I just crawl into myself and stay there until it’s safe to come out.
This results in minor nervous breakdowns when I’m alone. When I don’t have to take care of anyone. When I don’t have to be brave.
I loose myself completely and crumble under the pain. Just like a power nap. Instead it’s a power please-someone-have-mercy-and-just-shoot-me-so-the-pain-will-end.